Burn
by Willful Redhead
Summary: "To be a successful rancher, you have to contend with forces of nature, finding and striking a balance wherever you are. But I gotta be honest, some days, it seems like those forces are working against you." Adam J. McFadden, Sr.
1. Chapter 1

The acrid smell of smoke was everywhere and all Hannah McFadden wanted to do was sink into a warm tub and wash it all away. Stiffly she rose from where she'd been hunched over her brother-in-law, Daniel. She adjusted the bandage on his arm one last time and asked, "Hurt?"

"Worse than an angry woman's glare." He answered with a grin. "Nah, it's better now."

"Take the meds they gave you, Daniel. It's gonna hurt worse later."

"What about you?" He asked.

"I'm fine." She smiled at him, glancing around the living room which was growing dark. "Where's Guthrie?"

"Brian threw him in the shower. Ford's next." He answered. "I want a bath in the worst way, but I haven't got the energy." He shrugged. "We all stink like that smoke."

She nodded and glanced around the room. "Evan still with Diablo?"

"Crane took him a blanket. He's gonna sleep out there." He shrugged. "He's worried because Diablo is so freaked." He paused, studying her arm thoughtfully. "Did they look at that cut? It seemed pretty deep."

"No stitches." She said, pulling her arm close to her body. "I'm fine."

Silence hung between them and he watched her dark blue eyes as she glanced around the room, anxiously. It was clear she was worried and stressed. The ache of his arm was a dull background to his own worry and exhaustion. He wished the whole day could start over; that everything could be undone. He watched her face a minute more and then finally broke the silence.

"He's still outside."

"I know." She looked around the room again. "I was just . . ."

"We are all fine. Don't worry, Hannah. Brian's got Guthrie and I'll keep an eye on Ford." He smiled warmly at her. "Go on."

"I wanted to make sure Guthrie wasn't too . . ."

"He's fine." Daniel said, cutting her off. "It's okay, Hannah. 'Sides, there's a brother who probably needs you more right now."

Still she hesitated and Daniel shook his head wonderingly at her. They'd all been shocked when Adam had brought home his surprise bride but more shocking than that was the slow revealing over time of her good and loving nature.

"Go on, honey. Everyone is just fine."

She blushed shyly, and squeezed his shoulder gently. "Take your meds, Daniel. Don't be a tough guy." And turning she walked out and stood on the porch.

The view was disorienting. She scanned the hills in the distance trying to adjust to the altered view. Sighing heavily she saw him just to her left, sitting on some of the stacked hay they'd managed to save. As she crossed the yard to go to him a light drizzling of rain began to fall and tears filled her eyes at the grim irony. _If only . . . _She thought.

"Someone look at your arm?" He asked without looking up at her.

"I'm fine." She answered quickly. She stood just a foot to his right, both of them staring out straight ahead.

"That's not what I asked, Hannah Joy." He turned to look at her then. His face was streaked with soot and dirt, and his normally bright, mischievous eyes were dim with exhaustion and sorrow.

She lifted her hand and ran it over the familiar line of his jaw. "You oughta wash your face, at least." She said softly. "That soot'll sting your eyes."

"Hannah. . ."

"They looked at it. No stitches." She sighed, leaning back and stretching her tired back. "I'll live."

"Good news at last, then." He grinned at her, and then turned back to gaze at the barn.

To gaze where the barn used to be.

"I don't know, Adam." She said with a sigh. "I think we've had better days than today."

She made a broad sweep of her arm indicating the charred remains of the barn. They'd managed, through a difficult and concerted effort to extinguish the fire before it spread anywhere else, but the barn was gone - mostly gone. The far end was still standing - two stalls, more or less. Adam and Brian had worked to shore up the sides of it after the fire had been extinguished.

He sighed, but reaching out, caught her hand in his pulling her down beside him. "You sure that arm is okay?" He asked again.

"I'm _fine_." She repeated. "Everyone is fine. The boys are getting cleaned up. I just checked on Daniel, and Crane is with Evan." She turned to look at him. "Everyone is okay, Adam."

He nodded his head without looking at her, squeezing her fingers gently. "Okay."

She thought of all the times they had stood together in the dim light of the barn - talking, arguing, kissing. It had been a place away from their responsibilities - away from the watchful eyes of their brothers.

She thought of the first time she'd ever stepped inside the small office in the far corner - his father's office - unchanged since Adam, Sr. had occupied it. She remembered the unveiled look in his dark eyes, as he said softly, "So this was Daddy's office." His voice a hesitant mix of pride and pain so raw, that she'd drawn in a sharp breath, a physical pain cutting a deep scar into her own heart.

"I'm sorry, Adam." She said softly.

"Well," He shrugged, glancing her away. "I . . . uh . . ." But he couldn't speak and his look of pain matched the anguish she felt for him; for his loss. She leaned in closer, her chin resting on his shoulder, and she whispered softly. "I'm really sorry, honey." She brushed a light kiss on his cheek as he slid his arm around her still saying nothing - too hurt for words.

***7***

It had been a really ordinary morning. She managed to haul herself out of bed on time, and had fresh coffee and toast before Brian, Adam, and Crane stumbled out for early morning chores. Everyone, even Brian, seemed in relatively good spirits.

"Thanks, Hannah." Crane said accepting the coffee she offered. He thanked her every single morning.

"You're welcome." She smiled at him, and Adam winked at her from across the room.

"Looks like a storm's brewing." Brian remarked from where he stood peering out the kitchen window. "Better not hang your laundry out today, Mrs. McFadden."

"You can't imagine my disappointment." She teased.

"Probably wind up with all of us stuck in here with you all day." He added. "I'm sure that will really add to your anguish."

"Well, I mind some of you more than others." She laughed, as he shook his head at her. It was then that she saw the flash of lightning across the sky. They all turned to look out the window.

"Lightning storm." Adam said.

"No rain?" She asked.

"Maybe later. Stay inside." He turned to Brian. "We better get the goats inside the barn. Never know if there will be a strike."

"So much for hanging around the house and bugging Hannah." Brian said, setting his coffee aside. The light flashed again and she turned toward the window.

"It sure is pretty."

"Don't tell Mr. Tomkins that." Crane said with a laugh, sliding his arms into his jacket. She looked up at their faces as they laughed.

"He got hit by lightening - maybe ten years ago." Adam said to her. "Every time we get a storm, he gets jittery."

Brian laughed adding, "And starts exercising his whiskey arm!"

"Can't really blame him." Adam said, sliding his arms into his jacket. "Don't worry, honey." He told her as his brothers stepped out into the early morning light. "They don't usually last long and hardly ever touch down."

"Who said I was worried?" She answered with a grin. "I was just looking forward to spending my day with some lazy cowboys."

"Well, don't worry, baby, that rain is coming." He kissed her, and settling his white hat on his head, he left.

It was a slow morning. It seemed to take forever to convince Guthrie and Ford that it really was morning and time for school. By the time the two of them had finally crawled downstairs, the lightning had stopped and all the brothers had gathered back in the kitchen for breakfast.

"If it's raining this afternoon, I'll meet you at the bus stop." Hannah told the younger brothers.

"Why didn't Adam marry you when I was still in high school?" Daniel asked bitterly. "No one EVER picked me up on raining days. I had to trudge home through floods!"

"Well, you weren't alone." Evan scoffed, reaching for another piece of toast. "We were trudging right next to you!"

"Please!" Brian said shaking his head. "Daniel! You sound like a whiney little gir. . ." He was cut short from a glare from Hannah. "A whiney little weak person." He corrected himself remembering his sister-in-law's feminist sensibilities.

"Thank you." She said to him rising and turning to the dishes in the sink. She glanced up and thought she saw another flash of light near the far end of the barn, but heard no rumble of thunder and figured she had been mistaken. She turned to the dishes, as the brothers gathered lunches, backpack and coats.

It was always a chaotic time. She'd tried a hundred different methods to bring peace and order to this part of the morning, but had eventually resigned herself to the inevitability of the McFadden Morning Chaos. One of them would need to rush back upstairs for something they'd forgotten, the screen door would rattle as it opened and shut, and then opened and shut again, and someone would yell for someone to grab something or that they forgot about something they absolutely need to have right now for school. She had taken to remaining where she was, watching them swirl all around her. The ritual disaster generally ended with a wave and a shouted, "Bye, Hannah" or an occasional, "Thanks for breakfast!". Once, on a particualary chaotic morning, Guthrie had doubled-back and given her cheek a kiss saying softly, "Sorry 'bout the noise." She had just put the last dish in the drainer when, it seemed that the morning ritual had reach it's conclusion. She could see Adam and Crane striding toward the paddock out the kitchen window, as a beautiful peace settled over the house. She turned expecting to find herself alone, but was surprised to find the three youngest standing in the doorway silently.

"What's the matter fellas?" She asked glancing behind her. "Forget your lunches."

"No." Ford said, holding up one of the bags she'd packed for them.

"We just wanted to say thanks for thinking to pick us up in the rain." Evan told her with a grin.

"And for breakfast." Guthrie added, blushing shyly.

"And for the lunches." Ford said with a wink.

"Oh," She said surprised, and surprised by her sudden emotional reaction to their simple thanks. "You boys are welcome. You have a good day." She smiled at them, fighting the urge to grab them all in a big hug.

"Yes, ma'am." Guthrie answered with a grin, and then they were gone, the screen door banging loudly behind them.

She wiped a ridiculous stray tear from her face, and turned back around to tackle the mountain of laundry that lay piled in the tiny laundry room, but as she crossed the kitchen a curl of smoke caught her eye.

At first she thought maybe Adam and his brothers were burning something, but realized they would never burn anything that near the barn. It was strange because the smoke was coming right from where she'd seen the flash of light earlier, and then suddenly she'd realized it; realized what must have happened. She ran down the back steps, not even grabbing her coat, and the morning cold hit her like a wall of ice. She sprinted across the yard, skidding to a stop near the edge of the barn, shocked by the sight of yellow flames already licking at the bottom of the side wall. _The animals!_ her mind raced. She turned and entered the barn, opening the door wide, and moving into the barn which was already filling with smoke, she opened Diablo's pen first, but the horse huddle in the corner, too frightened to move. The sound of coughing surprised her, and she looked up to see Crane standing wide-eyed in the doorway.

"Hannah!" He yelled.

"Go ring the bell!" She yelled back to him. "We've got to get these horses out of here!"

"No, you shouldn't . . ." He began, but recognized there was no time to argue, instead he spun, and seconds later she heard the bell ringing - the family signal for alarm. She had managed to get most of the stalls open by the time they all came running - Crane first, who dragged her out by her arm.

"Get out of here!" He spat angrily at her. "Go call the fire department."

She turned to go back in but nearly ran smack into her husband, who with a look of absolute furry, simple lifted her up and carried her out.

"God dammit, you stay the hell out of there!" He set her down just outside the barn doors. "I got enough to worry about without you . . ." He spun away from her, without finishing the thought. She turned to see Guthrie standing a few feet from her wide-eyed and pale.

"Go call the fire department, Guth!" She shouted, startling him.

"I just did." He said and then turned to see the goats huddle in the far corner of the pen that was just outside the barn. "Ford's goats." He said, too rattled to form a complete sentence.

She looked where they were huddled, frightened. "We better move them to lower pasture." She was already moving forward toward the gate. It took both of them to convince the terrified animals to follow them, and by the time they'd managed that, she realized that the other pen behind the barn housed the pregnant cows. She ran around the back of the barn, not even bothering to explain to Guthrie as he closed the lower pasture's pen. The cows were still there - the brothers too distracted by the horses and the flames to remember that Evan had brought the pregnant cows in just yesterday afternoon. She flung the gate where the cows huddled anxiously trying to escape the smoke that poured out of the barn. One of the cows knocked her down, and she had to roll quickly to avoid being trampled by the others that followed. Rising, she reached out and pulled herself up, not realizing that she was using the barbed wire fence to regain her balance. Guthrie had caught back up to her then, and they stood together watching the cows run out and away from the barn. They'd have to round them up later - they didn't have horses or enough manpower to manage a small herd of frightened cows.

She wrapped an arm around Guthrie's shoulders, and moved him back around to the front yard as the sound of sirens split the air.

"Firetrucks are here." Guthrie said flatly.

She tried to calm the panic in her heart as she looked all around wishing she could see all the brothers; could see Adam. In the distance she could see Evan, battling with Diablo who's wild eyes and spirit made him twice as difficult to control as any other horse. Brian emerged from the barn coughing and sputtering with Daniel right beside him. Her eyes grew wide, at the sight of Daniel's arm, which was wrapped in the remains of Brian's shirt. She ran to them, skidding to a stop on her knees beside Daniel.

"I got it out, right away." Brian told her coffing.

"Where's Adam?" She asked trying to keep herself from bursting into tears. "Where's Crane?"

They emerged seconds later, Crane pulling Adam out by the arm. She couldn't hear any of their words, the roar of the flames, the fire trucks and firemen who now spilled out and into their yard, covering over everything. It was clear though that Adam wasn't happy with being pulled from the barn.

She glanced around and could see all the brothers now, relief washing over her so powerfully that she was thankful that she sat beside Daniel knowing that otherwise she would've collapsed to her knees. One of the firemen came to her side saying, "He got burnt?" She nodded, rising to go to Adam on unsteady feet.

She stood beside him, as he watched the barn burn. He was covered in soot and ash, his face white with anguish. Reaching out she took hold of his arm, and startled he turned to look at her.

"The boys . . ." He began, but she stopped him, squeezing his arm.

"Everyone's okay. Everyone is out."

His eyes grew bright with tears and he glanced down at her. "Your arm!" His voice was filled immediately with panic, and she looked down surprised to see her arm was covered in blood. "Sweetheart!"

"I'm okay." She said lifting it up to look at it.

"Where's that EMT?" He asked, ignoring her completely and striding quickly away from her. She bit at the corner of her lip watching him dart in panic around the yard until he found an unoccupied firefighter. He gestured wildly as the firefighter nodded. She shook her head recognizing that there would be some difficult hours ahead.

Adam McFadden was a man of action, and dealing with the loss of the family barn would not be a problem he could solve. She knew, from experience, that he would spend his days dealing with absolutely anything else - sometimes even creating imaginary problems that had to be dealt with. She remembered with searing pain, his obsession with clearing all the brush out of the upper pasture after they'd lost the baby. He had time for little else. It was the most important problem in the entire universe and demanded all of his attention. Brokenhearted herself, she had neither the strength nor energy to combat his determined efforts to avoid dealing with that which was right in front of him. She hadn't known the ins and outs of all that had happened, but after Brian had found her sobbing alone in the laundry room, she knew he had gone after Adam bringing him home to her. She always wondered what her somewhat brash brother-in-law had said to his older brother, but she was forever grateful for the result. She hoped things wouldn't get as bad this time around.

"Hello ma'am." A voice startled her, and she looked up to find a young EMT standing in front of her.

"I'm sorry, I was just . . ." She smiled at him.

"Are you feeling light headed?" He asked.

"No." She shook her head. "It's a surface cut." She indicated her arm. "I don't think stitches are necessary - maybe some glue. It looks worse than it is and my husband prefers panic over anything else. It's how he deals with shock."

"That might be, but may I look at your arm anyway?" He smiled at her. "He already told me you would try and convince me you're fine, and he asked me to point out that you didn't _finish_ nursing school."

"Two semesters." She shook her head, lifting her arm for him to see. "Actually, it was really a semester and a half that I had left."

"Yes, ma'am."

She recognized that he was just humoring her - that he figured she was just an irrational female who thought she knew all things medical. She sighed and accepted her fate.

***7***

"We might as well just let it go." Brian said to the fire chief. "You aren't gonna be able to save it."

"No." The chief agreed. "Still we gotta make sure it doesn't spread to any of the other buildings."

"Yeah." Brian sighed, and rubbed the back of his neck. "My grandaddy built it."

"It was well made." The chief squeezed Brian's arm, and then added, "Excuse me." He strode away just as Hannah approached her tall brother-in-law.

"Arm okay?" He asked her.

"I'm fine. What about you?"

"Oh, I'm alright." He sighed, glancing around. "Adam storming around here somewhere?"

"He and Crane are putting the hay in that shed." She indicated a building on the far end of their property.

"Oh. Maybe I should help."

"Let me see your hand." She demanded.

"Why?" He was immediately defensive and she had to grin at her most problematic McFadden brother.

"You don't have to be difficult 100% of the time, Brian." She put a hand to her hip. "You put out that fire on Daniel's arm. I know you burned your hand."

Saying nothing he held it out and she studied his palm, thoughtfully. She ran her hand gently over the surface watching his face to see if he winced.

"It looks like it might sting some. I'm sure those medics have some burn salve. I don't suppose you'd go ask them for some and maybe let them take a look?" She looked up at him through her bangs which had fallen in front of her eyes.

"I thought you were a good nurse." He offered. "What do I need strangers pawing me for?"

She sighed heavily. "Oh, alright. I'll get it." She paused, thoughtfully. "I thought you liked strangers pawing you." She added mischievously.

His eyes widened in shock and a soft blush covered his face. "Mrs. McFadden!" She winked at him and went to find the medicine for his hand.

"You alright?" Crane asked approaching him. "You look a little . . ."

"I'm fine." Brian answered with a reassuring nod. "Hannah was just teasing me. How's the Super Hero?"

"Oh, you know." Crane shrugged. "He's restacking the hay we saved. Doesn't like how it's leaning." Crane turned to face the barn shaking his head. "It's pretty hard to believe."

"Yeah." Brian agreed.

They stood side-by-side watching as the bright flames subsided and the billowing smoke filled the air. Brian wrapped an arm around Crane's shoulders.

"I kind of wished we'd cleared out Daddy's office now." Crane said mournfully.

"Yeah." Brian's terse response was emphasized with a gentle squeeze of Crane's shoulder. "Why don't you go check on Dan'l. Florence Nightingale is gonna keep me occupied for a little bit. Make sure the babies are doing okay. Evan was stressing out about Diablo."

"I got 'em." Crane said, watching as Hannah approached, a determined look on her features.

"Crane, you alright?" She asked as he turned toward the house.

"I'm fine. I'm gonna go check on the boys."

"Adam's still stacking that hay." Brian said to her, as she reached for his arm, pulling his hand in front of her.

"Sounds about right." She answered.

"I'll knock some sense into him later." He offered.

"And what about you?" She looked up to into his face with bright, compassionate eyes.

"Knock it off, sweetheart." He growled. "I'm a tough guy with way too much to do, to be bawling about my Daddy's barn."

"Stubborn." She said softly, her eyes still locked on his. She offered a warm, sad smile, and then turned her attention back to his hand, gently rubbing in the burn ointment. "McFaddens are nothing but stubborn cowboys."

"You ought to know. 'Sides you're a McFadden too, darlin'." He said with huff. "I bet Adam had to drag one of them medics over to look at your arm."

"We aren't talking about me." She answered sharply and he shook his head at her.

"McFadden stubbornness."


	2. Chapter 2

"_From time-to-time, it seems like the very forces of nature are fighting against you at every turn. It would be easy to give up. It would be easy to turn on the folks around you - bellow to the sky, growl at the woman at your side, and turn your heart to stone - but cowboys are made rugged and we got no time for easy." Adam McFadden, Sr._

***7***

Daniel McFadden really just wanted to collapse in his bed. In spite of what he'd told his sister-in-law, his arm ached. All his muscle were sore too. He hadn't realized how hard he'd been working fighting the blaze that had consumed their barn, until hours later. He was one exhausted, aching mess. Yet, he felt guilty about even considering falling into bed. All his older brothers were consumed with keeping an eye on the younger ones, and Hannah was no doubt trying to manage the stubbornly difficult oldest McFadden. It seemed wrong to just climb into bed as if nothing had happened.

How he wished nothing had happened.

It was such an ordinary day, and when he'd opened his eyes to a cloudy sky and he'd actually grinned. _Too rainy to work_, he'd thought. He'd been so pleased to think he could spend a least some of his time inside. He'd been working on a new song, but was hard-pressed to find a spare second to spend on it.

He lifted his hazel eyes and peered out the front window, as his eyes shifted left, he felt a strange dizzying moment of utter disorientation. The barn was gone. Gone. He shuddered trying to accept the brutal truth of yet another loss.

Moving slowly, he stepped out onto the wide porch and leaned against wall staring into the dark space where the barn once stood. The smell of smoke was still overpowering and he wondered how long it would take to finally go away. He used to love the smell, but now it made his stomach churn. It reminded him of all the campfires he'd sat around with his brothers at his side, and even further back to times with his father. The campfire belonged to men - that's what his father had told them. It was a place where you could sing songs about dead pirates and tell scary stories that their mother would never allow. It was a place where they could live their true manly lives and not have to worry about their mother's disapproval. _It is important to always be a gentleman, boys, _his father had told them. _But around this here, campfire, we are simple cowboys, and we can set aside our gentlemanly ways for a spell - unless your Mama comes along._ He could still hear the sound of his brothers' laughter, and see the glimmer of mirth in his father's wink.

And yet, the smell of smoke now filled him with a new memory. The barn thick with smoke, the sound of frightened animals, and his brothers' voices. He had seen Hannah go into the barn, but not seen Adam drag her out, so at first he'd feared she was inside. He somehow found Brian in the thick blanket of smoke.

"Dan'l! Get the hell out of here! We got the horses! Get out now!" He hadn't needed to see his older brother's face to know he was furious.

"Where's Hannah? Is Adam in here? I thought I saw Evan go after the goats!" His mind was a jumbled mess - the faces of each of his brothers in front of him.

"Hannah's outside with Guthrie. C'mon, brother!" Brian had somehow been able to reach through the darkness and grab his arm, pulling him out. He had allowed himself to be led, but that was when they stumbled over a pair of terrified goats. They were trapped behind a pile of wood, bleating in terror.

"You grab the little one." Brian had said to him. It was while he was turning to grab the smaller of the two goats that he saw that the sleeve of his jacket was on fire. _My coat's on fire, _was the strange disjointed thought that had floated through his head. _How weird._ It seemed an eternity before his brain had registered the simply fact that his arm was on fire.

"Danny!" Brian's voice was pitched high, and panic laden. His next memory was jumbled - Brian's eyes wide with terror, his arm swinging and beating against Daniel's arm. They were somehow on the ground, he on his side, his older brother above him. Brian held his torn shirt in his hand extinguishing the last of the flames, before hauling him up and out of the barn. _Hannah'll be mad_. He thought illogically. _Brian must've ripped that shirt right off of himself. It's ruined for sure._

Later, feeling the stinging, relentless pain of the burn on his arm, worrying about Brian's shirt seemed pretty damn stupid. He still thought it strange that of all the thoughts that plagued him most in the smoke-filled, burning barn, Brian's shredded shirt was the one that loomed largest in his mind.

"Crane still out with Evan?" Brian's voice cut into his thoughts, and he looked up surprised to see him leaning in the open front door.

"Yeah." He shook himself back to the here and now. "He said Evan wanted to sleep out there, so he might as well, too."

"Yeah." Brian nodded. "Where's Superman?"

"Fortress of solitude." Daniel said revealing a grin.

"Licking his wounds." Brian raised an eyebrow wryly at his younger brother.

"More like acting like he hasn't got any." Daniel said with a sigh. "Same old, same old."

"True that." Brian nodded. "How's the hand?"

"Still there, thanks to you."

"That's right." Brian smiled and puffed out his chest. "I saved your life. You owe me."

"Saving my life is taking it a bit far . . ." Daniel began.

"Oh, no. I think that's just right, little brother. You owe me." He grinned. "For all eternity."

Daniel shook his head. "I'm going upstairs. I'm beat."

"Good idea. You take your meds?"

"Yeah. Hannah chased after me with a glass a water and a bottle of pills. That is one stubborn woman."

"What are ya gonna do?" Brian shrugged. "She's a McFadden." He followed Daniel back into the house. "Speaking of women and life-debts, how is Megan?"

"Oh, no!" Daniel shook his head. "I don't owe you _that_ much! You stay away from her!"

"Awe, c'mon!"

"She's a kid! The fact that you even asked makes you a sicko!"

"She's 19 isn't she? That's not so bad." Brian shrugged.

"I'm going to bed."

"Good." Brian said with a smile.

It was as Daniel drifted to sleep in exhaustion that he realized that Brian had somehow tricked him into going to bed. Crane always got the credit for being the smart one, but he had to admit that sometimes Brian was pretty damn crafty.

***7***

The light of dawn didn't improve the view. Crane sighed and stretched his aching body. Sleeping cramped in the lean to outside wasn't all that restful, and he'd spent most of the night brooding over his brothers. He hadn't really had time to think about how he felt about the barn, and his father's office, being gone. He was mostly worried about his brothers. He wondered how Daniel was doing. He'd wanted to go in and check on him, but was anxious about leaving Evan all alone. Evan was still freaked out about nearly losing Diablo. He was so attached to that horse! It made sense though, Diablo was the last present their father had given Evan.

He glanced behind him at Evan, who despite his rough and tumble ways, still looked like a boy when curled in sleep. He grinned at his younger brother, and turning from him, walked out toward the empty space where their barn had always stood.

It had seemed as solid as the mountains that surrounded them. He could've walked from the front steps to the barn blindfolded - had made his way there many of times through thick and blinding tooley fog. And now . . .

He remembered helping his father brush out his horse, or polish his saddle. He could remember watching his older brothers work in the cool barn, laughing with each other. Once, he'd come out to the barn and caught his parents in an embrace that had both embarrassed and pleased him.

They used to sit around in his father's office - his father had complained, "I can't get anything done in here!" But it was always in jest. He'd never complained about being surrounded by his sons.

_His sons._

Crane considered this thoughtfully. Thinking about his brothers and worrying over them would be much better than thinking about the fact that his father's office had been reduced to ashes and smoke. He fought down a memory of leaning against his father's knee as he sat at the old desk writing. It was a momentary flash, but instead he focused on what was in front of him.

He turned back to see Evan rising up slowly, and immediately going to Diablo. Even from this distance he could hear his younger brother's voice, and although unable to decipher the words, the tone betrayed Evan's anxiety. _It's gonna take some time 'for he settles down._ He thought with a tired sigh.

He turned back to the house, a hand rubbing his tired neck as he crossed the quiet smoldering yard. It was as his foot hit the bottom step that he heard it; the faint sound of someone crying. He glanced around him, and turned left following the curve of the porch.

He paused ducking behind a pillar.

She was alone.

No doubt his older brother was storming around somewhere doing something really "Important". He shook his head dolefully. It didn't take a high IQ to understand that Hannah was probably tougher than anyone he'd ever known. Somehow she managed to not only put up with his rowdy brothers, but survived a life with one of the most stubborn people who had ever drawn a breath. He hesitated, unsure. If he went to her, she would no doubt stop her tears and ask how he was doing. It wasn't compassion for her alone that kept him rooted where he stood. _How are you doing?_ was not a question he wanted to answer - especially not to his insightful sister-in-law. _Besides_, he lied to himself, _she should have a good cry without being interrupted._

"Where the hell you been?" Was the angry greeting that met him as he stepped inside.

"I was out with Evan." He answered wearily. He didn't really have the energy for Brian's drama.

"Yeah, well, fire or not. We still got chores, genius."

"You mad about something, Bri?" Crane asked, half joking.

"Me? Nah! I'm peachy!" He reached out pulling his parka off the hook, jamming his arms into the sleeves. "Everything is just freakin' fantastic!" He swung open the door and stormed out onto the porch, nearly knocking over Hannah who must've regained her composure and was headed inside.

"Take it easy." Crane said following him onto the porch, but Brian was already making his way down the steps.

"Don't got time for takin' it easy, Crane." He said pausing to glance back at his younger brother. "I gotta waste another day trying to hang on to this goddamn ranch even while it burns to the ground!" He stormed off.

Crane glanced over at Hannah, who stood frozen and wide-eyed.

"You know where Adam is?" He asked her, gently.

"Nnnn-o." She answered, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't worry. I'll find him. He can calm Brian down." He sighed. "You should get some rest. I bet you didn't sleep last night."

"I. . .I . . .I gotta check on Guthrie, Ford and Daniel. Evan still with Diablo?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "They're okay, Hannah. Go lie down."

He turned from her knowing that she wouldn't rest. She'd spend her day looking after his brothers, cooking and worrying over Adam - probably worrying over them all.

He meant to go to where Brian had stormed off, and lend him a hand. They needed to gather up the herd. Instead though, he found himself drawn to the smokey remains of the barn. He found himself in roughly the spot where his father's desk had stood - more or less. It was pretty damn hard to tell. He tried to fight back the images that seemed to come at him like bolts of lightning. He had wanted to check on his brothers, makes sure Daniel was really, really okay. He wanted to explain to Adam that he needed to get his shit together and talk to his wife. He wanted to keep a handle on his emotions and maintain his famous even-keel. He wanted to be strong.

Instead, Crane McFadden fell to his knees in the ashes of the last pieces of his childhood and wept.

_Author's Note: I realize it took me an extraordinary amount of time to update this story. I know that some folks found that annoying - sorry about it. Sometimes, life gets in the way. I'll work on doing a better job. Honestly, I generally have a story completely finished before I start posting and this time I didn't do that - the IDEA was finished in my head, but I hadn't written much. Here's hoping there is more soon._


	3. Chapter 3

"Being the only woman in a house of men? It is a little like being a lone ambassador to a foreign land. You are the only one of your kind in their world. You are unique, and they see it." Kathleen McFadden

***7***

Adam McFadden paused to lift his eyes to the hills surrounding him. The sky was a dreary grey which really fit his mood. He looked down at the charred wood that lay smoldering in the empty field. He was amazed that over twenty-four hours later, it still smoked as though it had just been doused. The smell of the smoke led him back to the terror and shock of the barn. He'd been crazed with emotion - wanting to save his father's barn and desperate to save his family. His heart beats so fierce and each beat thumping out a name: Brian, Hannah, Guthrie, Hannah, Daniel, Hannah, Ford, Hannah, Evan, Hannah, and Crane. Even now, he could easily let the adrenaline take over and find himself sweating in the icy grip of panic.

He hadn't slept. He hadn't really even gone inside last night. There was too much to do, and so much that he didn't want to feel. Work was safe and so he remained steadfast and determined.

He turned away from the ashes that remained, to glance at the house behind him and was surprised to see Crane kneeling on the ground with Hannah and Daniel rushing down the steps toward him. He hung back, watching. He recognized he was being a coward and yet he remained frozen, watching. He knew Hannah's every expression and recognized her look of fear and compassion. Daniel's eyes were wide and he skidded to a stop in front of his older brother dropping to his knees. Adam couldn't decipher their muffled tones but watched as they helped Crane to his feet. They kept their arms around him as they led him to the house. He could hear the melodious hum of Hannah's voice, no doubt whispering constant loving encouragement in his brother's ear.

As the reached the porch steps, Crane hesitated, and glancing over his shoulder he gazed back toward what was left of their barn. His eyes grew wide as they landed on Adam. The anguished look of shock on his brother's face fell heavy on his weary shoulders. It was the briefest of looks; the briefest of seconds and yet it pierced Adam for an eternity. Daniel and Hannah were already drawing Crane inside, but Adam felt as if he had suffered a heavy blow.

He wondered if it was how Peter had felt after he had betrayed his Friend for the third time.

The weight of his shame was unbearable. He turned away from the house and his family, searching for something else to keep him busy; to prevent himself from thinking about all his brothers had lost and how he had failed to protect them - again

***7***

There were certain things Hannah McFadden had come to accept. She lived with seven men and she understood that her world was filled with noise, piles of laundry and the occasional fights that were the result of a house filled with testosterone. She understood that she had invaded a private boy's only clubhouse, and they had their own rules, rituals and procedures. She was completely welcome in the clubhouse but not quite a full member.

She hadn't known what she was getting into when she had said yes to Adam. He hadn't been clear about his living situation. Truth be told, it wouldn't have mattered. She couldn't have imagined a life without him beside her. She was stunned at how quickly she had come to depend on the tall, dark-haired rancher who had tipped his white hat as he grinned his first hello. She'd actually taken a step back in shock and found words impossible for one excruciating minute as he said, "Pardon, miss, but if it's not too forward, could I buy you a cup of coffee?" The simplest of sentences from the most straight-forward man she had ever met.

Except, he hadn't mentioned his brothers.

Although, looking at things now, she realized, he had mentioned his brothers - more than once. And knowing him now, she also recognized that he had been trying to tell her about them; about their living situation, but he just couldn't do it.

The last evening - right before he'd disappeared, for what felt to her like weeks, he'd been different. He seemed preoccupied and anxious. She had thought he was waiting for a chance to break up with her, or confess that he was actually already married. The conversation had seemed forced and awkward. Later, when he didn't come around Marie's, she was sure he was gone for good - taking her heart with him. Until, he arrived late on a sunny afternoon with a ring in his pocket.

She loved him completely. He was devoted, loving, gentle, faithful, ridiculously good-looking, and had the best laugh she'd ever heard. He was really funny, too - although you had to pay close attention to catch it. He was quiet, but had an unbelievable temper. She'd been stunned the first time she'd seen him blow up at one of his brothers - surprised that such a kind and gentle man could be so volatile.

She hadn't understood that he was heart-broken; that a deep part of him was a shattered, frightened, lost, seventeen year old boy - bereft of his parents; bereft of his dreams for his own future; and bereft of the very ground beneath his feet.

_This_. This truth was the biggest thing she had learned to accept.

Adam was wonderfully perfect for her, but he was also perfectly, irrevocably imperfect. It had taken her some time to reconcile the two Adams - the bold family leader and the broken little boy. It was why he ran from emotions, kept everything locked inside tight, and managed his days on a precipice of complete and utter terror. He was always, day and night, waiting for his next loss. It was the underlining of everything.

He'd rarely spoken of his parents. She'd gotten most of her information from Crane or Daniel, or Ford who would deliver stories as though he'd read them from a book; disconnected. The younger boys had no other memories of anyone beside Adam and Brian.

And her stresses with Brian in the early days, had stemmed from Brian's hurt and jealousy over being replaced. She was the other woman, and he the rejected first wife. It was the strangest of relationships. And yet, it was Brian who had watched her with quiet, thoughtful eyes after she'd come home from the hospital. It was Brian who had brought her tea and toast, and asked if she wanted anything else. It was Brian who had stepped into the tiny laundry room to find her sobbing tears, alone. He'd said nothing, wrapping his arms around her. She had tried to bring her tears under control, but had been overwhelmed by the sense of loss - shocked that just a few days could bring so much anguish. They'd known about the pregnancy for nine days and then it was over, and yet . . .Brian had kept his arms tight around her, and when her tears had subsided, he'd kissed her forehead and said very softly, "Go on up and lie down, Hannah. You must be wore out. I'll go get Adam." And he had. Adam had come to her, and finally, finally, after all those endless days of Very Important Chores, he had wrapped his arms around her, whispering his secret hurts.

That was thing about Adam. Nothing was easy with him. Nothing. He was stubborn as the mountains. Nothing could redirect or deter him. What did Crane say all the time, "Same old, same old?" That was truest thing she knew about her husband. He had built the Great Wall of China around his deepest hurts. She was pretty sure it was going to take the rest of her life to break through. And the family barn burning to the ground sure as hell wasn't going to knock the edges off any time soon. Sometimes, it seemed that it was one step forward with him, and sixty-seven steps back.

Of course, it wasn't so much the barn. It was the office. _This is Daddy's office._ That's what he said, her second day at the ranch, her hand firmly in his. She was still reeling from the shock of living with his six brothers, and he looked at her with his huge, dark eyes and said those words so reverently, that she'd melted inside. That was the first time she'd realized he was still a broken seventeen year old boy, waiting for his parents to come home.

The office itself was a sweet memorial. The calendar on the wall forever turned to August with Guthrie's birthday circled in faded blue marker. The picture of Kathleen McFadden on the desk was the only one she'd seen of their mother that whole first year. It was much later that she'd found more pictures and the brothers had sat with her explaining each one. Not Adam. He had seen the family album and spun on his heel. "That shed roof is gonna cave in, if I don't fix it." He said as he'd fled out the door.

"Still out?" Brian's voice had startled her. She had been standing out on the broad front porch, a blanket around her shoulders, watching the sun set.

"Fixing things." She had said with a shrug. "Important things."

"That's Adam." Brian said with a sigh. He hesitated nervously. "Sorry 'bout earlier."

She wrinkled her brow trying to remember "earlier".

"I was short-tempered and pushed past you. You were pretty upset." He explained.

She shook her head. "I didn't notice if you were." She smiled at him and then looked out into the darkening sky. "I guess I should check on the rest of the fellas."

"I can go out after him, if you want me to." Brian offered.

"No, that's okay, Bri." She smiled at him. "He'll come in when he's ready. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to."

"Lord! That's the truth. He's stubborn as the day is long." Brian agreed with a bitter laugh. "Still, I can go out after him . . ."

"Thanks, Brian, but . . ." She paused, shrugging her shoulders. "I'll give him some time."

"Okay." He nodded his head at her, and turned to go back inside, but before he did, she said,

"Brian?"

He turned back to face her, and she found herself finally asking a question that had hovered near the surface since the first day she'd come to the house.

"Did he ever really grieve?"

Brian's shoulders sagged, his face darkening, his eyes suddenly bright with tears.

"I'm sorry." She immediately regretted the question, and began to backpedal. "I didn't mean to . . ."

"No," He said, his voice husky and deep. "No, it's fine, don't apologize. It's just . . ." He sighed. "You are so . . ." He cleared his throat. "No, he didn't. He won't."

They said nothing for a long moment, and she reached out to hold tightly to his hand, as he swallowed down a lifetime of tears. "They were so little." He said at last. "And Mama," He cleared his throat again, "She was everything. Everything. They were so . . ." He turned from her staring out where the barn once stood. "Daniel couldn't stop crying at first. Night and day just wailing and wailing, and Guthrie didn't understand. He was just a baby really. He wanted his Mama. We didn't have time to . . ."

She squeezed his fingers, taking a step closer to him.

"I thought there was no way in hell, he would ever, ever do anything for himself, you know. I thought he'd throw his whole life away - give everything up for them." He shrugged his shoulders. "He stopped dating. Stopped even going into town really. Lived every day for them."

"Adam the Saint." She said softly.

"Yeah. Him and Mother Teresa." He grinned at her. "And then he shows up with you in tow. I couldn't believe it." He laughed remembering. "You are good for him Hannah, and I know he is pig-headed and it must feel like he's . . . It isn't that he doesn't want your help, Hannah. You understand, don't you?"

She nodded her head. "He is just scared and hurt."

"Yeah." He let go her hand and gestured toward the charred remains of the barn. "I don't know, but part of me thinks maybe this is a good thing."

She looked up at him surprised.

"God knows, the thought of Daddy's office lost forever breaks my heart." He swallowed down tears. "But maybe it is time for him to finally grieve." He turned back toward her. "He's not alone anymore."

She smiled up at him saying nothing for a moment. Her oldest brother-in-law wasn't the easiest person, either. He'd been outright hostile in those first days. To say he'd been slow to accept her would be a massive understatement, but she'd come to truly care about him. He had his own demons - too many drunken nights and too many faceless women - and yet he had a deep kindness. She couldn't help but love him for the way he had stood beside Adam all these years.

"He wasn't ever alone, Brian." She said softly. "He's always had you." She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to check on the boys and up to bed. You should get some sleep too. Adam will come to us when he's ready."

"'Night."

Brian stayed where he was as she slipped back into the house. He stood on the porch long after the sky was bright with stars. He stood alone lost in the darkest of memories, his eyes ever on the horizon; waiting.

***7***

"So, you are telling me, we should've let it burn to the ground?" Brian shook his head in frustration.

"It's not . . ." Paul Belton, shifted his feet nervously, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Sometimes he really hated his job. "Look, the way the insurance works is that if it had burned to the ground, you'd be fully covered. But it didn't. He indicated the pathetic corner that they had stubbornly fought to save.

"Well, that's just great." Adam said angrily. "That's just damn fantastic."

"Adam," Crane lifted a hand toward his older brother. Adam had just finally come back to the house, early that morning. Any hopes he had of the family pulling itself back together seemed to crash to the ground with the arrival of their insurance agent. He tried to broker a peace. "Paul didn't write the policy."

"I'm not yelling at him, Crane." Adam shouted. "Are you listening? We aren't gonna have enough money for the barn! We might as well put the whole ranch up for sale today. Save us all some heartache. We aren't gonna be able to keep it!" He turned storming off into the distance. Crane watched him go, frustrated beyond words.

"I'm really sorry. . ." Paul began.

"No, don't." Brian said with a sigh. "Crane's right. You didn't write the policy. Adam's just . . ." He sighed again. "Well, it isn't great news."

"We just expanded the herd." Crane explained. "We were banking on the future and used a fair chunk of our savings. It seemed like a good idea but . . ." He turned away.

"I wish I had better news. Look," Paul hesitated. "I'll go back to the office and look everything over again really carefully. Maybe there's some loophole I've overlooked."

"Yeah," Brian said reaching out and shaking his hand. "We appreciate that. I know you've done everything you could. We just have had a pretty rough week, and this . . ." He felt a rising tide of anger. "Well . . ."

"It's bad news." Paul finished for him. "I wish it weren't."

"Thanks anyway." Crane said. They stood together in silence, as they watched Paul climb into his BMW and drive away.

"You should've stayed at Davis." Brian said angrily.

"What?" Crane turned toward him in shock. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, everyone knows you don't belong on ranch, Crane! Jesus! To think we've given everything up and slaved for the last twelve years just to lose it over a goddamn lightning strike! And you, you should've got your masters! Hell, you should have found a pretty girl and married her. I know you loved that Julia. But what, you told her it wouldn't work? Right? Told her you had Obligations and Responsibilities." Brian's voice was bitter.

"Brian . . ."

"And Adam, gave up that scholarship! We were so stupid! We thought we were preserving something! This family got blown apart that night! We've been fooling ourselves thinking we were holding anything together! He should've gone! The boys would've been better off with other families! This is all . . ." He fumed angrily, his hands in tight fists at his side.

"Brian," Crane reached a hand to his older brother, but Brian stepped away and angrily stormed to the remaining walls of the barn. Without hesitation, he grabbed a nearby block of wood and began slamming it against the braces they'd set up to hold up the fall wall of the barn. He swung at it again and again until the walls fell toward the earth, landing in the ashes with a thundering crash that reverberated in the hollow spaces of Crane's chest. He drew in a shuddering sob, surprised to find that he was crying.

"What's going on?" He turned to see a white-faced Daniel approaching them. Hannah, Ford, Evan and Guthrie were just behind them. All of them wore the same frightened expression. It was like travelling back in time - - those first horrible, hopeless days. He could see it. How fragile they all were - how fragile they all still were. He felt just as helpless now as he did back then. He tried to draw in a breath, but found it difficult. He wanted to run. He wanted to smash down the barn walls too.

"Where's Adam?" Hannah asked, cutting into his thoughts, her voice high-pitched and anxious.

Crane said nothing, but turned toward Brian, who still stood in the rubble of the barn, glaring at them all. He turned back to look at his younger brothers as Hannah, pushed past them, crossing to him in quick strides.

"Crane!" Her voice rose in frustration. "What happened?" He found he had no words. How could he explain to her that everything was lost. Brian was right. It was all so pointless. He shook his head at her, and she turned from him to Brian.

"Brian, where's Adam?"

Everything came to a standstill. The wall of the barn had settled in the dust, and the air was heavy with silence, Crane glanced behind himself and saw his brother's frightened faces, watched as Guthrie took a step toward Daniel, seeking solace from his older brother. He turned back as Hannah asked again, this time her hand on Brian's arm, "What happened? Brian, where did Adam go?"

Brian stared at her, as though confused to see her standing beside him. He lifted his eyes over her head and saw the brothers gathered, and Crane recognized the icy glaze settle over Brian's features. Startled, and frightened by the darkness of his expression, he recognized that Brian had reached his breaking point. And he further recognized that Hannah was right in the line of fire.

"Brian," He began, propelling himself toward his volatile older brother, hoping to prevent the storm to come.

"Brian!" Hannah repeated, this time shaking his arm with her hand. "Brian! Where is Adam?"

It was like a fresh bolt of lightning - just as destructive; just as devastating. Crane was completely powerless. He saw it coming but couldn't stop Brian's explosion of anger anymore than he could stop the flames that had consumed the barn. And this blow would level what was left of his family. It happened in an instant but felt like an eternity, too. Brian turned toward Hannah, his face dark with rage. He pulled himself violently out of her grasp and she fell back a step in shock.

"How the fuck would I know!" He fumed at her. "He's your goddamn problem now! I'm done with this broken-down ranch! Let the whole place burn to the ground!" He turned from them, storming out and climbing into the truck.

They stood frozen, watching as the truck became a dot in the far distance. _He'll never come back._ Crane thought bitterly. _Why would he? How many years can you keep up the fight?_

"Guthrie," Daniel's voice was gentle. "Guth, it's okay, man. He's just upset." Crane turned to see Daniel wrapping his arms around their youngest brother, whose sobs echoed in the empty yard. "Come on, buddy. It's cold out here. Evan, get Ford, huh? Let's get inside. Okay?" Daniel led his younger brothers inside, but Crane felt as if his feet were rooted to the ground. He turned back to where Hannah still stood, her back to him. He was stunned that she hadn't gone to Guthrie. He couldn't imagine a situation in which she would remain deaf to his baby brother's sobs.

"Hannah . . ." He began.

"Leave me alone." She said, and found her hopeless, bitter tone unrecognizable. "You can all just leave me alone."

"Yeah, okay." He said, surprised at how much her words wounded him. He turned from her, but didn't go into the house. Instead, he found himself walking through the fields and into the hills beyond; a man lost and without a map.

***7***

_Author's Note_

_So, here's the thing. I really, really NEVER EVER curse. I mean, there was this one time, I said damn - you know just to test it out. And I guess I've said hell a time or two. But man, I was writing this scene and Brian - he's just got this barely hidden anger - and sometimes it just bubbles up. So I apologize for the extreme language and whatnot. But you got admit, they are all in a pretty crumby situation, so I can blame him, entirely. I really do love Adam, but he's so DIFFICULT! Anyway, thanks for reading and everything. I'm trying to squeeze writing time back into my life._


End file.
